Tatiana Khodakova
“Change your words, and you will change your world” (Robert Kiyosaki)
When we talk about the “victim position”, most people imagine a person who loudly complains, blames the world, and completely refuses to take responsibility. However, in real life, this role often manifests much more subtly, hiding behind polite phrases, feigned modesty, and even constructive criticism.
The unnoticed victim position is not aggressive whining but a persistent thought pattern where a person unconsciously relinquishes authorship of their life, using passive speech constructions that deprive them of agency and control.
Markers of Passivity: Impersonalization of Action
A key feature of the hidden victim is the avoidance of the pronoun “I” in connection with verbs that denote choice or decision.
| The Phrase “Hidden Victim” | Why is this passivity? |
| “It must be done” | The impersonal “must be” implies an external command or coercion. |
| “I had to agree” | Indicates a lack of choice and external pressure. |
| “I can’t manage it” | Focuses on the outcome rather than the process and effort. |
Conclusion: The victim talks about the events that happen to them. The author talks about the actions they take.
Markers of Dependence: Living by Someone Else’s Schedule
The hidden victim often delegates not only actions to others but also the right to make decisions about their time, resources, and emotional state.
“If it weren’t for…” (“If it weren’t for this job, I would start my project”) — A classic construction that shifts the reason for inaction onto an external factor. This is a convenient way to avoid risk.
“I feel very uncomfortable asking you…” — Excessive self-deprecation before making a request. The victim preemptively positions themselves as indebted, assuming that their needs are less important.
“I probably shouldn’t be saying this…” — Undervaluing one’s opinion or idea. This is a defense mechanism: if I’m not listened to, it won’t be a rejection but merely a confirmation of my “insignificance”.
Markers of Perfectionism: Lack of Right to Make Mistakes
Perfectionism, which often appears as a striving for high standards, can actually be a deep victim position, afraid of criticism and responsibility.
“I can’t start until I know all the details” — Masking procrastination as “responsibility”. The victim waits for perfect conditions so that in case of failure, they can blame a lack of information rather than their own decision.
“I know it’s not perfect…” — Preemptive self-criticism (self-deprecation) to soften possible criticism from others. A person becomes their own first and harshest critic to control the pain.
“I tried, but…” — A phrase that is followed by an excuse. Instead of analyzing mistakes (Author’s position: “What did I do wrong?”), an explanation of external obstacles is used (Victim’s position: “Why didn’t it work out for me?”).
How to Escape the Invisible Cage
The transition from a hidden victim to an author begins with lexical hygiene.
Catch the “have to”: Replace “have to” and “had to” with “I choose” or “I decided”.
Eliminate excuses: After failure, don’t look for “why”, instead ask “What can I do differently next time?”
Take control of your feelings: Instead of saying “You upset me”, use “I was upset by your words/actions” (You own your emotion, rather than having it caused by someone else).
Changing your lexicon is not just about changing words; it’s about shifting the control center from the external world (circumstances) to your inner world (personal choice and responsibility).
How to Respond: Supporting Another Person’s Authorship
If you hear one of these hidden phrases from a colleague, friend, or loved one, your task is not to rescue them or criticize but to gently return responsibility for their choices and emotions.
1. Response to Impersonal Action (“Have to”, “Had to”)
When a person uses a phrase like: “I had to agree to this project” or “I had to stay late yesterday”, they are unconsciously relinquishing their choice.
Your response (a question about their choice): “I hear that you feel compelled. What exactly led you to make this decision? And what is the benefit or goal for you in this?”
Goal: You redirect the focus to their decision-making process, prompting them to realize that they chose this path rather than being thrown into it.
2. Response to Blaming External Factors (“If it weren’t for…”, “It’s them”)
When a person shifts the blame: “If it weren’t for their stupid rules, I would have done everything already”.
Your response (a question about control): “I understand, these rules are annoying. But let’s see: what is within your control despite these rules? What can you do to minimize their impact?”
Goal: You do not dispute the existence of the problem but shift the focus from the source of the problem (which cannot be changed) to their own actions (which can be changed).
3. Response to Self-Deprecation (“I probably shouldn’t…”, “I feel uncomfortable”)
When a person diminishes their idea or request: “I feel so uncomfortable asking you for help…” or “I know this isn’t the best idea…”
Your response (affirmation of value): “Stop. This is a normal work/friend request. What do I need to do?” Or: “Your idea is valuable. Let’s discuss its details and see how we can implement it”.
Goal: You normalize their needs or opinions without reinforcing their feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
4. Reaction to Passive Emotion (“You disappointed me”)
When a person transfers responsibility for their feelings: “You really got me upset today!”
Your reaction (returning ownership): “I’m sorry if my words hurt you. But let’s clarify: I said this, and you chose to be upset. What exactly in my words triggered such a reaction in you?”
Goal: You separate the action (your words) from the reaction (their emotion). You show that the emotion belongs to them, and they have power over it.
MAIN PRINCIPLE: Constantly and gently bring the conversation partner back to the pronoun “I” in the context of their decisions, actions, and feelings. This helps them feel not like a victim of circumstances but as the author of their life.
To determine how deeply these hidden patterns are rooted in your thinking, we invite you to take a short test: How much am I the author of my life?
Instructions: For each question, choose the answer (A, B, or C) that most accurately reflects your first, automatic reaction to the described situation. Write down your answers (1-A, 2-C, etc.).
Question 1: How do you react to a failure or mistake in an important project?
A. I knew it would go this way. I always fail because of external circumstances or because I’m just unlucky.
B. I need to find out who is to blame so that this doesn’t happen again. Probably, someone gave me incorrect information or let me down.
C. This is a valuable experience. What can I change or improve in my approach (my actions) next time to achieve a different result?
Question 2: You feel strong stress or irritation due to the behavior of a colleague or a close person.
A. They drive me crazy. I have no choice but to feel angry or upset.
B. I just have to put up with it. I’ll have to accept it because I can’t change anything.
C. I choose how to respond. I can set healthy boundaries or initiate a calm conversation about it.
Question 3: You have an important personal goal, but you can’t seem to start working on it. Your inner dialogue:
A. I can’t start until I have all the necessary resources (time, money, knowledge). Right now is just not the right time.
B. I really need to start already! But I feel like I’m forcing myself. I’ll begin when inspiration strikes.
C. I’ve decided to take the first, even the smallest, step today. I’m breaking this goal down into micro-tasks and getting started.
Question 4: How do you explain your inaction or procrastination when it’s time to focus on something important to you?
A. I have no choice; I’m too busy with other people’s affairs (work, family). I just don’t have time for myself.
B. I’m very tired and feel that I deserve to rest. I’ll start when I feel better.
C. I choose to prioritize. If this task is important, I will find time for it, or I decide to delegate another commitment of mine.
Summary
Predominance of answers A and B: Your automatic reactions often reflect a hidden victim mentality. Your speech contains many passive constructions; you look for reasons for failures in external factors and pass responsibility for your emotions to others.
Predominance of answer C: Congratulations! Your thinking is primarily focused on authorship. You seek solutions, control your reactions, and view failures as valuable experiences rather than as judgments.
Regardless of whether you have identified victim or author patterns in yourself, transitioning to an active position always encounters significant internal resistance, the nature of which needs to be understood.
Mechanisms of Resistance: Why Do We Fear Stepping Out of the Victim Role?
Transitioning from the passive “Victim Position” to the active “Author Position” is not just a change of words; it is a profound psychological restructuring. And like any restructuring, resistance arises. This is normal: the psyche always strives to maintain its habitual state, even if it is destructive.
Let’s discuss three key mechanisms of resistance that draw us back into the “invisible cage”.
1. Secondary Gains (Comfort of Helplessness)
This is the most powerful and subtle mechanism. The Victim role, despite all the suffering, provides a person with unconscious bonuses that are difficult to give up.
What is it: These are the benefits that a person receives from their “painful” state.
- Avoidance of Responsibility: “If I am a Victim, then I am not responsible for the outcome. I can’t do anything, so there’s no demand on me”. (This is a huge comfort!)
- Attention and Care: The Victim role often ensures support, sympathy, and emotional reinforcement from others (the so-called “Rescuers’ care”).
- Justification of Inaction: “I can’t start my own project because I don’t have time/money/energy”. (The circumstances are to blame, not my fear.)
How to Overcome It (Antidote):
Ask yourself an honest question: “What benefits do I gain from not solving this problem? What am I afraid of losing (sympathy, praise) if I become strong?” Recognizing this benefit will reveal that the price for it (your own life) is too high.
2. Fear of the Unknown and Loneliness
“Life Author” refers to someone who makes decisions and takes full responsibility for them. This requires courage and a willingness to make mistakes.
What is it:
- Fear of Responsibility: The Victim fears that if they take control and fail, there will be no one to blame but themselves. This is perceived as a disaster.
- Fear of Judgment: The Victim thinks, “If I stop complaining and become strong, people will stop loving/caring for me”. This shifts “sympathy” to “respect”, and it seems like a risky exchange.
- Lack of a Clear Scenario: Being a Victim is a familiar, albeit negative, scenario. Becoming an Author is a blank slate, which causes anxiety about uncertainty.
How to Overcome It (Antidote):
Introduce responsibility gradually. Use the “Small Control” practice (completing small tasks) to slowly build your “self-efficacy muscle”. Start with low-risk actions where mistakes won’t be fatal. Repeat the phrase: “I have the right to make mistakes. A mistake is information, not a verdict”.
3. Self-Sabotage and Procrastination
When a person has already decided to change, the psyche may engage self-sabotage mechanisms to prevent leaving the comfort zone.
What is it:
- Perfectionist Paralysis: “I won’t start until I’m 100% ready”. This is procrastination disguised as responsibility.
- Physical Illness: Sudden onset of illness, fatigue, or drowsiness at moments when action is needed. The body unconsciously “helps” to avoid changes.
- “False Activity”: Engaging in many small, non-urgent tasks (cleaning, checking emails, scrolling) instead of focusing on one important task leading to authorship.
How to Overcome It (Antidote):
Use the “5-Minute Rule” and the technique “The Process is More Important than the Result”. Don’t think about the end goal. Simply tell yourself, “I will work on this difficult task for just 5 minutes”. Often, once you start, you get immersed. It’s also helpful to acknowledge the process, not just the result, by praising yourself for the effort put in, not just for achieving a perfect outcome.
Conclusion: Resistance is not your enemy; it’s a signal that you are truly moving towards important and meaningful changes. Your task is not to fight it head-on but to recognize it and navigate around it using small, yet decisive steps.
Instead of an Epilogue: Coming Out of the Shadow
The Victim position is not a condemnation but a habit of thought, an invisible cage we’ve built from “must”, “had to”, and “if only”. Exiting this role does not require grand revolutions; it begins with lexical hygiene.
Every time you replace a passive phrase with an assertion (“I choose”, “I decide”, “I take responsibility”), you reclaim a little piece of your power. Authorship of life is not about achieving perfect results but having the courage to make decisions and own your reactions.
Take the first step: stop being a spectator in the movie of your life. Take the script into your hands, start speaking the language of action, and you will discover that the main character of your film is you — capable of changing the plot at any moment.
Photo by Getty Images
Translated by Maria Zayats
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