Tatiana Khodakova
“Stop searching outside for what you have lost inside”
Sometimes it feels as though an invisible thread entangles the movements of the soul. You take actions, speak words, build relationships, and somewhere deep inside, an unconscious expectation simmers — to deserve. To deserve a gaze, approval, a touch, love itself. It’s not always shouting, nor does it always strike the bell of awareness. More often, it’s a quiet whisper from the inner critic, pushing you to be “good enough”, “pleasant enough”, “right enough”.
We rarely acknowledge this inner race for acceptance. It seems like it’s just our nature to be attentive, caring, and diligent. But behind this external kindness might lurk a deep-seated need to prove our worth, as if love is a reward that must be endured.
And here’s the paradox: as soon as this unconscious strategy of “earning” comes to light, once you notice the invisible toll you try to pay for the right to be loved — suddenly, it becomes easier to breathe. There opens up space for a different interaction — with yourself, with others, with life itself.
Sometimes a familiar argument kicks in, like a lifesaver: “But I just want to be a good mom… a good wife… a good daughter… a good friend… a valuable employee”. These good intentions sound so pure, so sincere, that sometimes you even believe them unconditionally.
But take a closer look at this “goodness”. What truly drives it? A sincere desire to give warmth and care, or an unconscious need to receive that cherished love in return — as if it were a medal for exemplary behavior? Being good is one thing, but deserving love through that “goodness” is something entirely different. In the first instance, it’s a natural manifestation of a mature soul; in the second, it’s a subtle manipulation — often unconscious — where your own worth is dependent on external responses. This dependency, like invisible shackles, constrains the true expression of self.
Thus, this unconscious need to “earn” love sprouts in our lives in very concrete yet often unnoticed ways. Look closely; you might recognize something familiar:
- A quiet whisper of apology for your own desires, as if the very right to “want” requires justification.
- The need to explain to the world (and to yourself) why today you can allow yourself to take a breath, as if resting is a privilege, not a natural need.
- A lump in the throat at the word “no”, accompanied by the torturous feeling of guilt, even if that “no” is an act of care for your own boundaries.
- An invisible burden of responsibility for others feelings, as if the emotional weather of those around you is your area of influence.
- Forgetting your own needs, as if your inner universe can wait, as long as others don’t face a downpour.
- An anxious itch from others thoughts, even if those thoughts are distant stars, illuminating nothing on your own path.
- A tiring run in circles of “must”, where exhaustion becomes almost a virtue.
- An endless spiral of self-improvement, driven not by a thirst for knowledge, but by an inner sense of gaping emptiness of “insufficiency”: not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not successful enough…
All of this comprises the subtle threads of that same “earning” strategy. Each of them is an attempt to prove to the world and to yourself your “worthiness” of love.
The root of this “earning” strategy goes deep into the unstable soil of external evaluation. One’s own value turns out to be fragilely tied to the gaze of another person. Hence arises an insatiable thirst for validation: to be good, right, smart, professional, attractive — constantly and tirelessly. Each compliment, each approval becomes like a sip of life-giving moisture in the desert of self-devaluation. And if this source runs dry, internal anxiety washes over you again: “Is everything okay with me? Am I good enough?”
This precarious reliance on what others think makes us vulnerable, dependent on external “permission” to be loved. And true love, which is born from within, from accepting oneself fully with all one’s “flaws” and peculiarities, remains somewhere in the shadows of this relentless pursuit of approval.
This misplaced self-worth tied to another person creates an endless exam for “goodness”. Before a partner — so they won’t stop loving you. Before children — to be a “good enough” parent. Before parents — to earn their approval. Before friends — to maintain their affection. Before colleagues and management — to be valuable. And this invisible exam must be passed literally in front of everyone who somehow touches your life.
Every interaction becomes a potential test: “Am I good enough today? Will I receive that cherished evaluation?” This constant internal anxiety, this expectation of an external verdict, drains a colossal amount of energy that could be directed toward living one’s own life, instead focusing on meeting someone else’s expectations.
The deep-rooted cause of this endless exam lies in the deficiency of self-love. When the inner cup of acceptance is empty, a person involuntarily seeks fulfillment from outside, shifting the responsibility for their worth onto the shoulders of others. This gives rise to a desperate need for validation, that constant “you are good” from those around them.
And when this “earning” strategy becomes deeply rooted, it permeates all spheres of life, like invisible roots. In personal relationships, a person may endure criticism, betrayal, and devaluation — just to prove their “goodness”, their “necessity”. In this way, they unconsciously choose partners with whom they need to serve and prove their value through self-sacrifice and pleasing behavior, rather than simply being themselves.
The inability to leave a relationship, even when it brings unbearable pain, also becomes one of the manifestations of this “earning” strategy. Internally, there simmers an unconscious idea: “I’ve invested so much time and effort; I have to try harder, to fight more”. Leaving would mean acknowledging “I couldn’t manage”, “I failed”, which painfully strikes at the shaky sense of one’s own value. “If I leave, it means I’m not good enough”. And so, this vicious circle continues: enduring, striving, exhausting oneself in hopes of earning that very love that never comes from outside, because its true source lies within.
In the professional sphere, this need to earn love and recognition also flourishes vibrant, sometimes masquerading as dedication to the cause. A person agrees to low pay, comforting themselves with the words, “At least I’m valued here; they say only I can handle this”. It often becomes normal to have an unregulated workday, justified by the illusion of being irreplaceable: “Where else will they find such a worker?”
But behind these “valued” and “irreplaceable” labels often hides the same deep need for approval, for proving one’s significance. Thus, a person works not so much for fair compensation for their labor as for praise, for a sense of their own necessity. They are willing to sacrifice their time, their health, to receive that fleeting moment of recognition, which temporarily fills the inner void. This “earning” trap in the professional realm is just as exhausting and devaluing as it is in personal relationships.
Even in relationships with the closest ones — with children — the “earning” strategy of love can manifest in peculiar ways, donning the cloak of a “good mom” or “good dad”. The endless desire to “give the best to the children” is often perceived as an unconditional expression of love. However, if you look deeper, behind this noble impulse may lie the same demonstration of one’s own worthlessness. It’s as if the parent subconsciously conveys: “I am not worthy of the best, so let it be yours”.
Few consider this flipside of the coin. It seems that by giving the best, we are teaching the child to strive for excellence. But on a deeper level, this may become a lesson in self-sacrifice for them, an unspoken message that love must be earned by giving oneself completely. Consequently, the child internalizes this model, beginning to unconsciously “earn” love through achievements, obedience, or self-sacrifice.
The foundation of this precarious “earning” strategy for love is laid in the fragile age of childhood. It is during this time that a small person first learns about the world through the lens of relationships with their closest ones. If a mother (for a multitude of reasons, often completely unrelated to her conscious choices) does not always anticipate and meet the immediate needs of the child, the child may develop a deep sense of worthlessness: “I am not important enough on my own”.
And then, as if pouring oil on the fire, the parental messages echoed, sometimes unconscious but no less effective: “If you do this, we will love you. If not, our love will be less”. Thus, the thought takes root in the child’s soul that love is not an unconditional gift but a reward that must be earned. If you meet your parents’ expectations — you are “good” (and thus “loved”). If you don’t meet them — you “didn’t try hard enough”, and you need to put in even more effort to receive that love.
This childhood-learned strategy deeply penetrates the essence of a person, becoming ingrained not only in their thinking but also in their bodily reactions, forming a habitual behavior model in adult life.
The “earning” model, like an invisible overlay, applies to all areas of life and all relationships without exception. Often unconscious, it becomes a source of numerous sufferings, as all these efforts and sacrifices are made in the name of love. That same love that a person desperately seeks outside, forgetting that its true source lies within themselves.
Love is a feeling. And where does feeling reside? Inside us. It doesn’t need to be searched for like a lost item. It needs to be learned to be felt by restoring the lost connection with oneself. It requires stopping the habit of seeing oneself through the eyes of others who expect or evaluate, and finally seeing oneself through one’s own eyes — with acceptance and warmth.
So, what should you do when the veil of “earning” begins to lift from your eyes?
Here are a few steps to reclaim yourself:
1. Slow down and listen to your true “wants”, rather than the “musts” of others. Allow yourself to want for the sake of wanting, without needing to justify or earn it.
2. Practice saying “no” without guilt. Every “no” you say to what doesn’t resonate with you is a “yes” to yourself.
3. Shift your focus from evaluation to sensation. Instead of guessing what others might think of you, feel how a particular action resonates within you.
4. Start small in showing care for yourself. This could be a cup of your favorite tea or coffee without feeling guilty for “not doing anything”, a minute of silence, or a small pleasure gifted to yourself just because.
5. Explore your bodily reactions. Often, unprocessed emotions and learned “earning” strategies reside in the body. Give yourself time to feel these sensations without judgment.
In summary:
The strategy of “earning” love is often an unconscious yet deeply rooted way of interacting with the world, born from a deficiency in inner self-worth.
THE PATH TO TRUE LOVE BEGINS NOT WITH ENDLESS ATTEMPTS TO MEET OTHERS’ EXPECTATIONS BUT WITH GENTLY RETURNING TO ONESELF
Allow yourself to be valuable simply for being you, without the need to prove it to the world. And then the love you have long sought outside will begin to be felt within you.
“Self-love is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” (Oscar Wilde)
Photo by iam_os
Translated by Maria Zayats
Read also:
Confidence: An Internal Feeling, not External Attributes
I know, but I don’t act: the trap of inaction
Relationships through the prism of personal history
Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
