Tatiana Khodakova
Who do we really fall with? What does this love have to do with this particular person? The answer may surprise you: “Almost nothing”. At the beginning of this love, there is more “ours” than “his”. Any relationship includes two psychological mechanisms: transference and projection.
The transference mechanism is unconsciously triggered when we meet Him. Mental activity at that moment is aimed at finding answers to the questions: “What does this remind me of, where have I seen this before, when I felt this way?” And the request goes into the past – to the first close relationships in our lives, namely, child-parent relationships. When identification has occurred, we receive an interpretation at the exit – this is Love (after all, we loved our parents, even if their treatment towards us was far from desirable). For example, when He treats us, to put it mildly, not very well, but this evokes feelings familiar from childhood, then we will still be inclined to identify such behavior with love. And who do we love here? Answer: Our personal history. And what does He have to do with it?
The mechanisms of projection work in such a way, that what we see in Him is what we have in ourselves. And at the initial stage of falling in love, we see all those wonderful qualities that are inherent in us. In other words, we fall in love with our own part of the personality, which we project onto Him. But here’s the problem – there are other qualities in us that we do not want to notice and accept, so after a while we will see them in Him… And with the thought “Where were my eyes?” we will head to the end of our projection relationship. And then – a familiar scenario, but with a different person. There is a way out of the “vicious” circle, but for this we need to grow up, so as not to look for someone who will perform parental functions in relation to us. Determine what we expect from Him and give it to ourselves. Realize that what I do not like in Him is exactly what I do not accept in myself. Stop looking for the cause of problems outside of yourself. Allow yourself to experience the disappointment that He is not on this earth to take care of me and not to protect me from the “horrors of adult life”…
Not very romantic, right? But definitely healthier. Because then there is a chance to love the Other, to see in his eyes a different Universe, different from ours, which is interesting to explore day after day.
Photo by Roman Purtov
Translated by Maria Zayats
Read also:
Everything is complicated in our relationship
Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
