Tatiana Khodakova
“The Heart Shop is Closed due to Total Re-evaluation of Values” (Dmitry Emets)
The philosophical concept of “Value System” implies that values are what a person values in the surrounding society. Is a person always aware of their values? Not always. Often, values exist on an unconscious level and include beliefs, motives, and benefits. In other words, values are “coded” in responses to the questions: Why? Why? For what purpose? For what?
Values can be called internal goals. There are external and internal goals. For example, the external goal is to buy a car, while the internal one answers the question “for what purpose”. For one person, it’s for quick transportation from point A to point B; for another, it’s to assert themselves in a certain status; for a third, it’s to prove their “success” to someone, and so on. As we can see, each person has their own internal goal even with the same external one.
Usually, the internal goal is not always realized but influences choices and governs a person’s behavior. Sometimes, internal and external goals can “conflict” with each other. For instance, a woman in a relationship with a jealous man may want to be slim (external goal – to lose weight), while her internal goal might be to have extra weight (because when she is “heavy”, her husband does not get jealous). Her value is peace and tranquility in the family. Psychotherapy helps resolve various “conflicts” of values.
Now let’s take the example of selling apartments in a multi-story building. People want to have an apartment (external goal), but everyone will purchase their own value: some want a view from the window, some want the distance to a kindergarten, some want a quiet yard, some want an elite neighborhood, etc. We always buy value; we always achieve internal goals, whether we do it consciously or unconsciously.
Everything we have in reality and everything we want to have is determined by our internal goals, and our behavior is aimed at achieving these goals.
Marketers possess this knowledge and always sell us value, not a product or service.
It is very important to know your values to avoid being manipulated by salespeople of all kinds. For example, you might have been swayed by the advertisement of a completely unnecessary and expensive toy, hearing the phrase that “every loving mother will buy their child…,” because you hold the value of being a “good mother”. Or with the statement that “you are a bad mother”, a child can easily force you to act in ways that were not in your plans.
Our actions are governed by values. And those who know and correctly apply them will manage our actions.
How can we identify our values?
1. First, look at what you currently have: where you are, who you live with/communicate with, how much you earn, when you start to act. Everything you have at the level of your environment, including your body, corresponds to your internal values, to your beliefs about what is “right” in life, even if consciously you want to live differently.
2. Second, pay attention to what you criticize (condemn) in others: what behavior or appearance provokes your outrage/confusion? For example, you see a person eating their third dessert, and it raises your outrage, “how much can one eat”? From this reaction, it follows that perhaps your value is slimness, frugality, or something else. In cases of emotional reactions to the behavior or words of others, it would be good to ask yourself: “What exactly is bothering me? What unrecognized value underlies this internal indignation”?
When another person criticizes you, pointing out how you should behave, they are revealing their values to you. For instance, when someone points out a mistake in your text, their value is literacy (perhaps they were punished as a child for making mistakes, and they developed the belief that they must not make mistakes at all, thus, they do not allow it for themselves or for you). The critic is talking about themselves, about their values, which often has nothing to do with you personally.
By criticizing, teaching, or making comments, a person brings out through words their internal values (beliefs about what is right).
What if you are “hooked” by a remark from your conversation partner? This means that it relates to your unrecognized values and the critic has “hooked” them with their words, bringing to the surface something you were not aware of about yourself. For example, if you are offended by criticism of your appearance, perhaps beauty is your value, even though you did not consciously think so.
By what criteria do you make choices, on what do you easily spend money, what do you talk about most often, how do you make decisions, where do you love to be — there lie your values. It would be good to know them in order to consciously manage your behavior, which is always based on values. Therefore, never tire of exploring and learning about yourself — it is an exciting and very resourceful endeavor.
Photo by Hannah Popowski
Translated by Maria Zayats
Read also:
How We Extinguish Our Inner Fire While Trying to Preserve It
Boundaries of Permission: The Theory of ‘Let’ as the Foundation of Antifragility
Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
