Tatiana Khodakova
“You have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place, and to get somewhere you have to run at least twice as fast” (Lewis Carroll)
An iconic line from Lewis Carroll’s legendary book, “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”, can readily serve as a motto for the “Achiever”. An Achiever is someone who deliberately turns their life into a race for ever more success. Yet outward signs of success — a red diploma, a business of one’s own, a luxurious home, a prestigious car — rarely bring a person happiness or even a sense of satisfaction.
Why does it happen that a person lives in conditions where achievement orientation becomes more important than their own well-being? What are the reasons underlying becoming an Achiever?
“Achiever” is the opposite pole of “dreamer”. People who are “achievers” in their lives focus on constant actions (achievements), while “dreamers” cannot get to action but are good at generating ideas.
The formation of a given life strategy is driven by the ways important life themes are laid down by parents in a child from the earliest days after conception.
From the second trimester of pregnancy to about three months after birth, the sense of existential security is formed. In this period, the child gains experience of existence and acceptance, mainly from the mother and family, as well as from the world at large. In the body and soul of the child, the experience is “written” (laid down):
1) A sense of self-worth and healthy self-esteem: to be loved, wanted, and accepted, I don’t need to push myself on others, please them, pressure them, or shrink myself to avoid rejection; I simply need to stay true to myself.
2) The ability to form healthy relationships with people.
3) Developing the mindset of “I can” and “I will handle it”.
4) Laying the foundations for physical and spiritual development.
5) Developing sensitivity to energetic connections (interactions).
6) The development of abstract and concrete thinking.
7) The ability to trust oneself and others.
A healthy stance forms, characterized by a sense of existential security and belonging to the world. A person feels loved and accepted simply because they exist.
But if:
- a child was conceived, and later one of the parents did not want their arrival;
- the mother was seriously or frequently ill;
- the mother experienced strong stress during pregnancy;
- the mother used powerful medications and other problems arose in the first half of the period of formation of the “structure of existence”,
all this can be a reason for forming a strategy of not wanting to participate in life to the fullest.
Such people, whom we can call “Dreamers” (or “Mentalities”), live in their own world of illusions and fantasies, have many unrealized ideas and plans that do not translate into actions and remain at the level of dreams.
Now let’s consider the reasons that underlie the formation of the “Achiever” strategy:
- At first, the pregnancy was fine, but in the late stages something happened (stresses, illness, etc.);
- Everything was fine from conception, but something occurred around one to two months after birth (the mother’s depression, the baby being given away, the mother becoming ill, the mother being so stressed that she couldn’t focus on the child, etc.).
- All of this leads to the formation of what is called an “emotional” structure of existence, which is characterized by an escape into life (a tendency to plunge into life as a coping mechanism).
There is a sense of “loss of paradise” — the child remembers how it felt when at the beginning everything was good and desperately wants to return it. The focus is on emotions and actions, on “defending” one’s place in life. There is an unconscious message: “if I stop, I will die”, so achievement becomes an unconscious necessity for survival.
Such people have a resource — they have a keen, observant gaze; they notice the smallest details, they are very energetic, engaged in life, can do several things at once, but the state of “doing nothing” is unbearable for them, since it is equated with death.
The mother lays down, scripts the initial themes of safety/danger in this world, the theme of unconditional/conditional love, acceptance/non-acceptance, and the establishment of healthy/unhealthy connections with oneself and the world.
Ideally, a person uses both behavioral strategies — the dreamer (idea generator) and the achiever (I can and want to act) — depending on the circumstances. Usually such a person feels loved and accepted simply because they exist. They can be alone, or they can interact with others whenever they want.
In their extremes, as the “placer” strategy and the “achiever” strategy, these existences exist only because there is a “gap” between the body and the head. The dreamer allies with the head but does not befriend the body — they don’t take real physical actions to embody ideas in life. The achiever emphasizes physical actions, not always giving a clear account of why they are doing it. Take a look at a gym and you’ll immediately see who trains from the state of “achievement” and who trains from a state of loving the body.
Getting up early (because you “have to”), making plans and sticking to them rigidly, bending the world to fit you, feeling ineffective when you see others’ success, forcing yourself into deadlines — all of this are “red flags” that the head–body connection is lost. There are many actions, but they come from tension, not from the true needs of the soul and body.
For the “dreamers”, in order to translate ideas from the head into reality, they need to take action and become aware of their sensations, recognizing that these are only their sensations, and therefore they cannot be broken by them.
For the “achievers”, it would help to understand (and to involve the head) that often their “race to goals” is really just a run for the sake of running (to avoid the feeling of stopping).
What to do to “turn on” the understanding? Stop. Look around. Feel your body. Notice what thoughts arise. Realize that the “Achiever” has been a way to run away from these thoughts and sensations. Yours… therefore safe…
Coordinate your ideas with bodily sensations and act, realizing why you are doing this — a way to join the inner “Dreamer” with the inner “Achiever” because together they can with pleasure and ease turn a dream into reality.
P.S. For those who enjoyed reading the article to the end — I’d guess your leading strategy is the “Dreamer”. Those who grabbed some paragraphs while reading and didn’t really study — probably the “Achiever” is driving you, and those who read with interest and weren’t bored — you have a healthy stance toward life!!!
Photo by Polina Khaiko
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Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
