Tatiana Khodakova
“Anxiety is an attempt to control what does not belong to us”
Diagnose yourself honestly: how much energy do you spend daily trying to manage someone else’s life? How many hours a week go to replaying other people’s words in your mind, trying to anticipate your partner’s reaction, or wanting to convince a colleague of your correctness?
We all grew up with the belief that we need to try very hard to control everything. This belief in total control has become the biggest anchor that keeps our psyche in a state of chronic anxiety and burnout.
But what if there is a theory that offers an unexpected way out? A theory that claims that to become free and calm, you only need to learn to say one simple word… “Let”
From Control to Allowing
The “Let Them Theory” is not about indifference or passivity. It is a psychological reset that returns your energy and allows you to focus exclusively on your zone of influence.
THE ESSENCE IS SIMPLE: LET THEM DO WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO.
Imagine you are standing on the shore, trying with willpower to stop the waves. Ridiculous, right? Just as silly it is to try to control someone else’s choices, feelings, or reactions.
The “Let” Theory is an act of inner liberation:
- Let your friend decide they don’t have time for your meeting. (It’s their priorities, not a reflection of your worth).
- Let someone criticize your bold decision. (It’s their associations and limits of understanding).
- Let your colleague make the mistake you warned them about. (It’s their lesson, not your responsibility).
You may not approve of their actions. You are simply returning their choice to them and freeing yourself from the burden of their consequences or opinions.
The “Let” Theory and Healthy Boundaries
This theory becomes a powerful tool for establishing healthy boundaries. When we can’t say “no” or feel angry about someone else’s choices, we tend to unconsciously take on the responsibility for their feelings.
Old Code of Anxiety: “If I don’t intervene and control, a catastrophe will happen, and it will be my fault”.
New Code of Freedom: “This is their choice and their responsibility. My task is to protect my boundaries, not to control their actions”
By applying the “Let” principle, you stop wasting resources on “fighting the waves” and redirect all your energy toward building your own ship. This leads to a radical reduction in chronic anxiety and is a key skill of antifragility.
Practice of “Let”: How It Works in Life
The “Let” principle is especially effective when you feel that someone else’s actions provoke strong anxiety or resentment in you.
1. “Let” in Relationships with Loved Ones
We often try to control our partners, children, or parents with the best intentions, but this always leads to conflicts.
Situation: Your adult son/daughter makes a decision that seems wrong to you (for example, leaving a stable job for a startup).
Old Reaction (Anxiety): You lecture them, criticize, try to convince them, and take on their financial problems. You feel guilty for their potential failure.
New Reaction (Let): “Let him/her try. This is his/her lesson and his/her path”. You clearly set your boundaries: “I will not fund your startup, but I am always ready to listen to you”. You free yourself from the responsibility for someone else’s life choices.
2. “Let” in Work and Professional Relationships
We often expend energy waiting for praise or feeling hurt by unfair criticism.
Situation: A colleague ignores your recommendations, or your boss does not appreciate your extra efforts.
Old Reaction (Resentment/Control): You get angry, try to provoke a conflict, seek justice, and lose focus on your work.
New Reaction (Let): “Let him consider me a less valuable employee. That is his perception, not my reality”. You focus on your zone of influence: you do your job impeccably and seek new opportunities instead of emotionally reacting to someone else’s biased opinion.
3. “Let” and the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
Comparing yourself to others is one of the main sources of modern anxiety.
Situation: Your acquaintances constantly post perfect photos from their travels or talk about their grand purchases. You feel like you are “falling behind”.
Old Reaction (Comparison): You feel inadequate and urgently try to buy something or plan something to match someone else’s picture.
New Reaction (Let): “Let them live the life they like. My life is my zone of control”. You don’t waste energy on someone else’s script but calmly focus on your personal goals and values.
The “Let” Theory is not about passivity, but an active stance: a conscious choice in favor of your inner freedom.
Thus, we have reached the conclusion of our journey from total control to radical allowance. The “Let” Theory is not a magical trick or a way to become a Zen Buddhist in one day. It is a new, very advantageous habit that you integrate into your life.
The principle is simple: every time you feel that someone else’s decisions or opinions start to steal your energy, as if you are paying a tax for their life, just remember this word: “Let”.
Let them think. Let them talk. Let them choose. Your only concern is to choose yourself.
Start small. If a neighbor decides to park his car in a way that is inconvenient for you, don’t spend two hours replaying angry dialogues in your head. Say, “Let him park as he can. I will go drink my coffee”.
Believe me, your psyche will thank you! It will breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that it no longer has to manage the entire planet while pleasing all its inhabitants.
Freedom from control is true antifragility. And your main psychological tool on this path is allowing others to be themselves while you become the best version of yourself.
“If you let go of everything that is not yours, you will be left with only what is truly yours”.
Photo by Raimond Klavins
Translated by Maria Zayats
Read also:
Don’t search, but live: How to leave the waiting room of meaning and return to the body
The best version of yourself: Exiting the race of improvements
Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
