Tаtiana Khodakova

“Life is too short to do what you don’t like” (Richard Branson)

By keenly observing human behavior, studying various psychological concepts and approaches, and testing them first on myself, I have formulated for myself a few postulates that make life easier and stop me from swimming upstream against its current. I’m not saying that everyone should live exactly by these rules – it’s important to pick or create your own personal ones. Yes, that’s possible!

Personally, I’ve identified four main postulates that work, in my view, in practically any context. The key is to remember them in time. When my emotional system experiences a disruption, I can fairly quickly “fix” the state by turning to these postulates.

What is meant by the term postulate? A postulate (from Latin postulatum – a requirement) is a proposition (condition, assumption, rule), due to various considerations accepted without proof, but, as a rule, with justification, and it is precisely this justification that usually serves as the argument in favor of acceptance.

So:

1. Inner intention must be fulfilled

“The intention we set is the strongest thing we can have” (Selim Aissel)

We need to clearly realize what you want to achieve as the ideal result (in your own understanding). In other words, to form an intention is to define a goal.

If we don’t understand what we want, we can’t obtain anything. The main problem at this stage may be that, drawing on past experience, we don’t dare to declare (first to ourselves) what we really want. Our mind starts tossing up ideas about the impossibility of getting what we desire. Therefore, the key is not to argue with the mind, but simply ask yourself: “What result would be ideal for me?”

For example, when I plan another trip (in summer all my examples are related to the sea), I ask myself such a question, and then in the answer describe where I want to go, with whom, and when: “I want to go to Italy with a friend in August this year”.

And as soon as a clear intention forms in my head, I release the situation. What does releasing mean? I don’t start guessing how exactly this will happen, because my task is to outline the main “arc” of the desired event, and leave the rest to the subconscious (the World, the Universe, God, the Higher Mind, my Higher Self—your choice). Then I go on with my usual affairs. Usually, the opportunity to realize the intention arises very quickly. But it’s important to remember that the opportunity will not be guaranteed; whether you take a step to seize it, depends on you.

Thus, in my case, after I internally determined that I wanted Italy, within two days a “hot” offer from my favorite tour operator appeared. And I used this opportunity.

(I described my journey through a psychological lens in the article “Italy as a Psychological Vitamin“).

2.  The World Deliberately Does Not Conspire Against You

“The world makes way for those who know where they’re going” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

What does this mean? If something doesn’t go according to the plan I laid out in line with my intention, that doesn’t mean the intention loses power or that what I want is unattainable. It may simply mean that what is happening now is the most optimal path.

I like to illustrate with travel contexts. Once we waited for late tourists for an entire hour before heading out. Some of the waiting people grew irritated, to which the bus driver replied: “If we had to delay by exactly that amount of time, then this is what’s best for us, even if we don’t know why”. I’m not justifying people’s lateness, but saying that trusting yourself and the world is worthwhile. Therefore, when something goes not according to my plan, it means there is a more ideal plan, and my task is to know the final point I intend to reach.

3. Do it the simplest and easiest way

Remember the principle of Occam’s razor? It implies that with its use, like a razor, you shave away all the superfluous and overly complex.

William of Ockham wrote: “That which can be done with fewer assumptions should be done rather than with more” and “Do not multiply entities beyond necessity”.

Perhaps you’ve heard the expression “We don’t take the easy path”, which is often used by people with a predominance of masochistic traits. This tendency to endure hardship and tension is often approved by society. I won’t go into why it’s cultivated in some social spaces; I’ll just note that there’s a belief that when something is hard to obtain, it’s more valuable. But is that really true? I’d say otherwise — if something is hard-won, a person holds on more tightly, becomes attached, and thus becomes less free.

“How can I do this in the simplest way?” is the question I ask myself when making a choice or decision. And so far this principle hasn’t let me down. Of course there are contexts and nuances, but in general this postulate is quite workable.

For example, I use the tour operator in my city, because it’s easier for me to travel without additional transfers or with minimal transfers.

4.  Lowering the Level of Seriousness

“Becoming too serious is the greatest misfortune” (Osho).

“Right, we lower the level of seriousness” — such a phrase you can often hear from me in both personal communications and work contexts. We’ve been trained to take life too seriously, so it hardly ever smiles back at us.

To clarify terms — by “seriousness” I mean the excessive importance and significance we attach to certain situations. You might object: “But what about health? Is it possible to treat that unseriously?”. Answer: “People get sick precisely because they are serious (i.e., tense)”.

Un-seriousness is not the cause of illness, and illness is the consequence of “seriousness” (the excessive importance we give to perceived objects).

We often inflate the significance of events, the importance of others’ presence, and the importance of our influence on others. The significance of having or not having, for example, a partner in life makes us less free, and as a result we experience a lot of tension in relationships, building them in a dependent way.

When the national issue is given excessive importance, it often leads to civil strife with the most unpleasant consequences. Any excess in importance creates problems. In psychological circles there is even an expression: “Everything we take seriously becomes a problem”.

Another personal travel example. About five years ago my friend and I went for a weekend by the sea. We had round-trip tickets. And while we were having dinner at a seaside restaurant a few hours before our planned departure home, we received a message from the passenger transport company informing us that our flight had been canceled and they offered to reschedule it to the morning. This didn’t suit us, because we had commitments at work the next day. We started to bustle; anxiety rose (triggered by the “importance” of leaving at the scheduled time), and in this state we began a series of unproductive actions—checking train tickets (of course there were none available), looking for a BlaBlaCar route (a deposit was placed on the driver’s card), after which his phone turned out to be out of reach. After that we, “serious, persistent and stressed”, went to the bus station and bought new tickets for another bus, which never arrived (for unknown reasons) and we got our money back.

And then I got a message from my friend, who I had kept in the loop about our vicissitudes, with the text: “Tanya, on a 10-point scale, how seriously do you take the situation?” I, as they say, had an epiphany and started laughing. Yes, we were too serious, gave too much significance to this unexpected turn of events. After lowering the seriousness, we relaxed, exhaled, and decided that we would somehow manage…

Then the magic began — “the world moved toward us”, in the words of Vadim Zeland. How did it end? We left at the time we were originally supposed to, only on a different bus, but with the same tickets we had.

Since then, whenever I feel tension about what is happening or what is about to happen, I level my state with a simple question: “Am I taking this too seriously?”

Just that question is enough to bring a sense of relaxation. After all, our tension shows that we are resisting what isn’t going according to plan — see Postulate 2 (“The world does not conspire against you”), and then see Postulate 1 (“What is my ideal result?”), and of course 3 — “How can this be done in the simplest way?”

As you can see, these postulates are very simple. But first, the psyche, worn out by anxiety, will deny them. Only as you apply them will you begin to gain a new experience that your “know-it-all” mind—your rational self—can rely on, which will allow you to turn the postulates into practical tools for managing your state. And your inner peaceful state will be reflected externally in the form of favorable events.

The listed postulates work both when applied together and individually, depending on the situation. Your task is to identify where one of them has failed and fix it.

So, a concise formulation of the postulates:

1. The inner impulse (intention) always materializes as soon as you consciously define your desired ideal result.

2. “The world does not deliberately set up traps” — trust what is happening.

3. Do it the simplest and easiest way.

4. “Lower the level of seriousness” — everything we take seriously becomes a problem.

 I’m not asking you to believe me! Practice and verify.

Translated by Maria Zayats

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Artem Mozgovoy

The year begins with winter. A faint, barely-breathing feeling that something is rising from the earth — something already lives, while something else is only awakening, only being born into this world through the heavy layers of ice and cold.

Vasya sat by the window, feeling a little sad. Because of the freezing weather, he couldn’t go anywhere, not even out for a walk with his friends. Suddenly, into his room stepped… Winter herself! She was mysterious and cold, yet in her eyes burned a love for life.

— Listen, Winter, I just don’t get it, — said Vasya. — Why are you so cold? I want to go out, to have fun, but you just ruin everything!

Winter smiled softly, lowered her gaze and replied:

— Silly boy, how can you not understand? When a child is born into the world, he doesn’t walk, run or talk right away. At first, he simply looks through the window, discovering the world outside. He begins to know himself, to see that the world is vast and beautiful. But he is still too small to fully enjoy life — he needs time.

— Time… A whole three months… — Vasya muttered.

— Only three months, — Winter said gently. — Winter is the chance to start valuing warmth, but cold is useful too. Don’t you drink lemonade with ice, eat ice cream or ride down snowy hills under the sun?

— Well… yeah. I guess you’re right.

— Of course I’m right. At the very least, I know my own worth.

— I suppose you often hear people saying mean things about you, — Vasya added quietly.

— I don’t listen to them, — said Winter. — I look at people’s faces and I see what they truly worry about. They have too many burdens of their own — and I have mine. I won’t stop being Winter, even if some people don’t like me. But I can choose to be a good Winter, the way I want to be. Once, I was just a little girl, and the title of Winter was passed on to me.

— How did that happen? What changed you?

— I once fell into a snowdrift and nearly froze… but after that, I found the strength to go out every winter, to play and roll in the snow. I realized the snowdrift wasn’t to blame, and one foolish mistake shouldn’t become the cause of countless fears. That was when I learned to love Winter — and then Winter learned to love me in return.

— Wow… Thank you, Winter. I’ll never forget this, not even in summer!

Winter laughed again.

— Silly boy… in summer you will remember me most of all. Farewell, little Vasya. Be careful with snowdrifts, but if the sun comes out, don’t miss the chance to play with them…

Main photo by Andrej Lišakov

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Tatiana Khodakova

“One can feel hurt, but choose not to be offended”

Wittingly or unwittingly, to a greater or lesser extent, openly or secretly from ourselves, we take offense at people, most often at those who are close to us, those who are in some way important to us.

Offense is not a basic emotion, as anger or fear are. Offense is a whole spectrum of feelings: anger toward the offender, self-pity, and also positive feelings such as love and care. It is these feelings that prevent us from expressing aggression in full, open force. After all, who hurts us the most? Of course, the closest people, because it is their opinions, actions, and attitudes that are most emotionally meaningful to us.

We feel offended when we lose the sense of our value in our communication with other people. The feeling of offense arises from about 1.5 years of age, so it does not always lend itself to rational explanation — the origin of the wound goes back to a period when logical thinking was absent. Offense has a tint of anger, which could not be expressed openly.

Any emotion requires its expression in actions. Often the move to action does not happen because there are prohibitions on expressing anger, wrath, or dissatisfaction. The most explicit forms of prohibition are phrases like “immediately stop being angry”, “I don’t like looking at you like that”, or “you’re so ugly when angry”. In the first case the child hears a prohibition, and in the second, rejection. What conclusion will the child draw? Anger is a bad feeling; if I get angry, mom and dad will stop loving me. For a child, losing parental love is the scariest thing, so every time the child again feels anger, they will become afraid, suppress forbidden feelings, and translate them into offense.

In this case, the energy allocated to carrying out actions remains unreleased and is “stored2 in  the body as muscular tension.

On the bodily level, offense/resentment is experienced as follows:

• teeth tightly clenched;
• jaw tension;
• facial muscles stiff;
• lips pressed together;
• sad facial expression because the corners of the mouth are downturned;
• shoulders dropped;
• lump in the throat;
• pain between the shoulder blades (here sits the knot of anger toward those closest to us);
• hands clenched in a closed position;
• sunken chest;
• crushing pains of unclear origin;
• little energy.

You could say that resentment is anger about my value not being recognized in relationships. There is a sense that “this is not how one should behave”, because by doing so I lose my value.

RESENTMENT, IN FACT, IS A REQUEST TO BE ACCEPTED WITH ALL OF MY FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS

When there is a prohibition on direct expression of anger, a person chooses a passive way to express it — through resentment. If there is no courage to say directly what is happening, then a behavioral strategy is used — to take offense and withdraw from the communication. And such behavior contradicts the inner desire that hides behind resentment — the desire to have good contact with the interlocutor.

Behind resentment lies the desire to express anger, but in a way that the other person accepts us and remains in the relationship. Therefore, one should distinguish between resentment as a feeling and resentment as an action.

Any person can experience the feeling of resentment — it’s a normal emotion. But the actions taken from this feeling will affect the quality of relationships with others and the health of the person who resents.

Resentment, in fact, is the need to be in contact. The one who resents leaves, but with an inner wish that they will be caught up with and brought back, pursued and brought closer again. As we can see, the behavior conflicts with the true need.

What to do? Be aware of your feelings and needs. Develop the skill of speaking about your feelings directly: I’m angry / I don’t like it when you say or do this or that; don’t do / don’t say that again”.

Many people fear expressing, for example, anger, because for some reason they think that to express it means shouting or fighting. This is not the case. Openly speaking about one’s feelings is a perfectly adequate way to express anger, so that the need for resentment disappears along with the bodily symptoms.

Photo by gaspar zaldo
Translated by Maria Zayats

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When success is more important than happiness

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