Tatiana Khodakova
“Life is a theater, but I got my role without auditions”
There are themes that seem as old as the world itself, yet still maintain their burning relevance. The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law is one of them.
In the past, everything was simpler (or more complicated, depending on how you look at it!): the causes of conflicts were obvious. Young families lived under the same roof as their parents, and domestic factors inevitably fueled the war over territory, the kitchen, and parenting methods. The mother-in-law defended her home, while the daughter-in-law fought for her right to a personal life.
But today, for most couples, the housing issue is resolved. The son brings his wife not into his parental home, but into his own, separate one. Each woman has her own kitchen, her own corner, and her own rules.
And here’s the paradox: the “racial” hatred between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law has not only persisted but often flares up with renewed vigor! Why? If the reason isn’t the living space, what continues to keep the two most important women in a man’s life in a state of cold war?
Let’s figure out why, even in the presence of external well-being and comfort, this eternal battle continues, and what really lies behind it.
To move away from domestic dramas and understand the roots of this eternal feminine family “feud”, we need to equip ourselves with a scientific “user manual” for studying the complex mechanisms of human interactions. Therefore, to understand why two women, not even sharing a living space, still cannot share one man, we should refer to Family Systems Theory.
What is a Family System?
Imagine the family not as a collection of individual people, but as a closed corporation or a single, complex mechanism (like your old but beloved car). A Family System is a holistic organism where all parts are interconnected. If one “part” (like a son who decides to get married) breaks down or even just changes its position, it inevitably triggers reactions in all other parts of the system.
The main goal of this “corporation” is to maintain homeostasis (a constant internal balance), even if this balance is slightly… neurotic.
Causes of the “War”
Under what conditions does the cozy family system suddenly turn on a red light, and the daughter-in-law instantly becomes a persona non grata?
The answer often lies not in her but in the functions! This emotional “hatred” towards the daughter-in-law typically flourishes in families where the mother-in-law’s relationship with her husband is dysfunctional. This can manifest as any “lack zone”: an alcoholic husband, a workaholic husband (who is never home), an unfaithful husband (who does not provide a sense of security), or, heaven forbid, when he is completely absent.
In such emotional and functional deprivation, a woman, often without realizing it, projects the functions of her husband onto her son. The son becomes the “functional husband”. He fills the emotional void, becoming a support, an attentive listener, and the main object of care.
And here she appears — the Daughter-in-Law. A girl who suddenly claims the main resource and attention that previously belonged wholly to the mother. From the perspective of the unconscious system, the daughter-in-law becomes not just the son’s wife but a Rival — with all the resulting emotions and aggressive “signals” directed towards her.
The Son’s Trap: A Choice Without a Choice
The son, who is also unaware of this projection, finds himself in a harsh trap. The system demands that he choose between the two most important women in his life.
But there is no right choice! One cannot choose between a wife and a mother — the mere framing of such an ultimatum leads to deep neurosis and emotional exhaustion. However, enduring this emotional “brawl” (these constant, though subtle, fights for his attention) is unbearable. He gets stuck between two fires, trying to please both, ultimately satisfying neither.
Mirror Projections
We have established that the mother-in-law may see the daughter-in-law as a rival for the emotional functions of her husband projected onto her son. But this complex family “civil war” is rarely one-sided!
The Second Side: The Daughter-in-Law and the Role of the Father
Often, the daughter-in-law enters this conflict unknowingly, carrying her own emotional baggage on her “ship”.
If her parental family had issues with the father (he was emotionally distant, critical, or absent altogether), the young woman may unconsciously project onto her husband (the mother-in-law’s son) the functions of that ideal, protective, and supportive father. The husband should become not just a partner, but an unconditional defender from the external world.
In this scheme, the mother-in-law, as the mother of this “functional father”, is inadvertently perceived as a second, “controlling” mother attempting to destroy their idyll or, worse, reclaim her “father” for herself.
Emotional Triangle: “Mom vs. Mom”
Thus, we receive not just a conflict between two women over one man, but a much more complex and absurd emotional triangle in which:
– The mother-in-law sees the daughter-in-law as a rival for the husband.
– The daughter-in-law sees the mother-in-law as a Controlling Mother (whom she must defeat to win the affection of the “father”).
Both women attempt to resolve their old, unresolved childhood issues through the lens of a completely innocent (yet hostage) man. And it is this double fire of projections that makes the relationships so unbearable, even when they are separated by kilometers.
Now that we see that what is before us is not a quarrel between two adult women, but a projection game of the mind (where each tries to settle their old emotional “debts”), it becomes clear: to win, it is enough to simply step out of the game.
The Spotlight of Awareness: The Law of the System
To break this vicious cycle, you don’t need to re-educate anyone or force apologies. This is where the main — and reassuring — law of Family Systems comes into play:
IT IS ENOUGH FOR AT LEAST ONE LINK IN THE CHAIN TO BECOME AWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING
When you change your attitude toward the game, the other players can no longer continue the old match. They are forced to adapt, and the system begins to heal.
Awareness is like turning on the light in a dark room: all the pieces on the board remain where they are, but their shadowy, frightening power disappears.
Action Plan: Returning Roles and Responsibility
The way out of this drama always lies in returning responsibility to where it truly belongs.
1. Actions of the Son (The Pattern Breaker)
His task is to fully take his place as a Husband for his wife and as a Son for his mother (but not as an emotional substitute for his father).
- Clear separation of territories:
The son must draw a clear boundary between his own system (Me + Wife) and the parental one (Mom + Dad).
Key phrase:
“I love you, Mom, but my wife and I made this decision together. Our marriage is our area of responsibility”.
- Returning responsibility to the mother:
The son stops trying to “save” his mother from her loneliness. He tells her that he believes in her strength and wishes her happiness, but refuses to be her emotional support. He redirects her attention back to her own life (to her husband, hobbies, friends).
2. Actions of the Daughter-in-Law (Exiting the “Daughter” Role)
Her task is to stop waiting for her husband to become a Father-Protector who will shield her from all problems — including his mother.
- Working with her own projection:
The daughter-in-law must realize: her husband is not a shield, but a partner. If she expects him to “save” her from his mother, she is projecting onto him her unmet need for a father’s protection. - Self-sufficiency:
She must learn to set her own boundaries with her mother-in-law. For example, calmly but firmly saying: “Thank you, Mom, for the advice, but we’ll do it our way”. This shows the mother-in-law that her son’s wife does not need protection — and that she knows her own worth.
3. The Shared Goal: Freedom
When every member of the system takes their true place (husband — Husband, wife — Wife, mother — Mother), all projections fall apart. You’re not fighting a person; you’re returning their problem back to them.
In this game, the winner is the one who stops playing first. This brings incredible inner freedom and finally allows both women to see each other not as rivals, but simply as two different people who love the same man.
Finale: Long Live Peaceful Coexistence!
So here is the main conclusion of our psychological inspection: this eternal female “feud” is nothing more than a family shadow theater, where all the actors are playing the wrong roles. No one truly hates anyone — the daughter-in-law has unintentionally taken the mother’s unmet emotional resource, and the mother has unintentionally tried on the role of a second wife!
The funniest and most liberating part: to stop this war, no negotiations are needed. It’s enough for one person to become aware of what kind of projection comedy is being played out — and to refuse to follow the old script.
Son, stop being a husband to your mother!
Wife, stop waiting for your husband to be your father!
And the mother-in-law will finally be able to become just a mother again — for her son, not for his wife.
When everyone calmly takes their rightful place, the whole system exhales. And then, in the family, there is room not for drama, but for healthy relationships, humor, and perhaps even shared coffee — without hidden resentment.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” (Carl Jung)
Read also:
The Daughter’s Path: A Father’s Influence on Relationships and Success
Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
