Tatiana Khodakova
“Father is the person who teaches you that the world is wider than your room” (Jean-Paul Sartre)
The relationship between a father and daughter is one of the most mysterious and powerful in human psychology. It shapes our perception of the world, self-esteem, and future relationships.
There is a common belief in popular psychology that a girl subconsciously seeks qualities in a partner that her father should have provided or did not provide. Indeed, many studies confirm that the first man in a girl’s life shapes her understanding of masculinity, protection, and love, which can influence her choice of partner in the future.
But let’s take an unexpected approach to this. If we were to ask a female audience how they envision an ideal father, we would hear answers filled with epithets: he should be supportive, caring, guiding, protective, attentive, problem-solving, and a reliable support.
Here lies a key contradiction. All these descriptions relate not to the paternal function, but to the maternal one. And then we come to a surprising discovery: often, girls are not looking for a father in their partner, but a mother. This may mean that in the minds of many modern women, their Anima — the image of the inner man — has become “merged” with the maternal figure.
According to Carl Jung, Anima and Animus are archetypes representing hidden, unconscious opposites within each person’s psyche. Animus is the male principle, the archetype of masculinity that manifests in the female psyche, while Anima is the female principle, the archetype of femininity that is present in the male psyche. These internal images influence our behavior, self-perception, and relationships we build with others.
So why do women feel that the ideal man is a “mother”? And what deep-seated experiences and needs might a partner with a set of “motherly” qualities be addressing?
A man who can be fully relied upon may paradoxically become an obstacle to a woman’s own development. This highlights the key difference between the two family functions: the maternal function is responsible for homeostasis, for the stability of the system, for ensuring that everything is in its place and that children are safe, ideally sitting quietly in their rooms. The counterbalance to this function becomes control, which prevents breaking out of established boundaries. In contrast, the paternal function in the family system is always about development. It symbolizes going into the outside world, overcoming boundaries, and mastering the new.
Modern female statuses on social media, like “I’m a girl, I don’t want to decide anything, I just want a dress and to be carried”, directly point to the manifestation of female infantilism. That’s why, if a woman seeks a maternal figure in her marriage, she is essentially halting her own development, choosing homeostasis instead of moving forward.
Thus, even in seemingly happy relationships, where the man plays this “maternal” role, a woman sooner or later feels an inner emptiness. Her life is filled not with herself but with the care and attention of her partner, which only reinforces her sense of powerlessness. A crisis inevitably arises when she starts provoking the man, shouting things like: “You’re not a real man! Why are you fussing over me? You should just slap me!” This is not just an emotional breakdown. She is unconsciously trying to provoke anger and strength in the man, who has been her “mommy”, so that by confronting him, she can finally separate from him.
Therefore, maternal functions are essentially processes of gestation, nurturing, raising, as well as providing continuous emotional support and care.
So, what is the function of a father in relation to his daughter?
His role is to support and admire her femininity. He should praise her beauty and talents, fostering, in psychological terms, a positive attitude towards her femininity. In simple words, he must teach her to be proud of being a girl, not a boy or “gender-neutral.” This pride in her female identity gives her the ability to take responsibility for her feminine choices, including her choice of partner. If her femininity is well-formed, she will intuitively make the right, healthy choice, without being influenced by external perceptions.
Another key function of the father is to provide his daughter with a set of rules, norms, and values that will enhance her adaptation to the real, external world. While the mother establishes rules and boundaries within the family system, the father is responsible for explaining to the girl what the outside world is like and how to live in it effectively and safely.
Another vital function of the father is to shape his daughter’s attitude towards work and success. Here we see a fundamental difference: we work not as mothers but as fathers. While maternal work often focuses on maintaining and developing the family system, paternal work focuses on exploring the external world. The father demonstrates how to achieve set goals, how to cope with competition, and how to value personal achievements. Thus, he teaches his daughter to build her life not only on care and relationships but also on her own ambitions and success.
Another function of the father is to present social challenges to his daughter. For example, if you ask a mother what she wants for her birthday, she often replies, “I don’t need anything, I have everything, better spend it on yourself.” This reflects the maternal function, which cares for the well-being of her child. However, the father, ideally, will name a specific gift that requires certain efforts and expenditures. Such a request is a challenge: “Come on, daughter, I believe in you, you can do it”. He does not want to receive a thing; rather, he creates a situation in which his daughter can express herself, step out of her comfort zone, and achieve results.
If the father fulfills these functions, his daughter will not have to wait for a “prince” to come and do everything for her. She simply won’t need that because she will stand firmly on her own two feet, relying on the inner strength and confidence that her father instilled in her.
As women, we inherit our masculinity from our fathers and our femininity from our mothers. In turn, our fathers received their femininity from their mothers and their masculinity from their fathers. Only in this combination and harmonious balance is our full development possible.
That’s why, for a father to teach his daughter to be proud of being a woman, he must himself be at peace with his own femininity. This means recognizing and not resisting qualities that are traditionally considered feminine: kindness, vulnerability, helplessness. If he accepts these traits in himself and learns to live with them, then he will be able to teach us how to cope with them as well. By accepting his own vulnerability, he becomes capable of embracing our feminine essence.
If the father does not fulfill his functions — does not instill pride in femininity, does not present social challenges, and does not convey the values of the external world — then a woman faces several serious problems. She may stagnate in her development, unconsciously seeking a “maternal” figure in her partner, leading to an internal crisis and a feeling of emptiness, as well as an inability to fully realize herself in this world.
How to fill the void left by a father?
So, we have discussed the significant role of a father in shaping a woman’s personality. But what if you realize that some of these functions were not fulfilled? How can you fill this gap without seeking what’s missing in a partner?
The answer lies in working with projection – a mechanism where we project our expectations onto another person.
Step One: Honestly ask yourself the question: “What do I expect from my partner?” Recognize all the qualities and actions that, in your opinion, he should fulfill for you. Perhaps you expect him to solve all your problems, constantly admire you, or support you in all your endeavors.
Step Two: Understand that all of this represents the very functions that you subconsciously expect from an “ideal” father or “ideal” mother.
Step Three, the most important step: Start giving this to yourself. If you expect admiration for your femininity — begin to admire yourself, your beauty, and your strength. If you expect him to solve all your problems — start looking for solutions on your own, becoming that firm support for yourself. If you expect him to challenge you and believe in you — set ambitious goals for yourself and achieve them.
By learning to meet these needs on your own, you will stop waiting for them from others, and your life will be filled not with someone else’s care but with your own strength.
Photo by Steven Van Loy
Translated by Maria Zayats
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Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
